I’m sitting here in my new town, in my new favorite coffee shop, and it feels like home. And believe me, I’m not a person who has ever described a new residence as “home”. But from the moment John and I arrived, we’ve been welcomed home. “Welcome home” is the greeting I’ve received, even when I tell new acquaintances that no, I didn’t grow up here. But that phrase has resonated with me, and in no time at all, it feels like home in Moline, Illinois. And I am grateful for all the welcoming – and the feeling that I have another hometown.
The holidays are a season of thankfulness and gratitude. For most of us here in the United States, the season starts with Thanksgiving where we “are supposed to” think about what makes our lives full – and show gratitude. I say we “are supposed to” because for so many of us, gratitude is one of the things that depression steals from our lives. It did for me. If you asked me 6 months ago what I was grateful for, I was hard pressed to come up with even one answer. When my brain told me the lies of depression, and I was told by well meaning friends that I should feel gratitude, it just made me feel worse. Logically, I knew I had so much to be grateful for, and logically, I knew I should feel gratitude – but I didn’t. In in my mind, it just highlighted how defective I was.
Gratitude seems to be all rage lately, not just during the holidays. A quick look on social media will show you mantras like “positive vibes only” or “#blessed”. Gratitue journals are touted as a practice for improving your mindset. I know there is science behind this – taking stock of what you have to be grateful for each day helps to “rewire” your brain connections. It makes sense. But for me, when I'm in the middle of a long bout of depression, gratitude doesn't exist. It can't be found. And all the positivity and encouragement in the world doesn't seem to help. When I am in the midst of darkness, gratitude gets consumed just like light in a black hole.
But this year, as we start the holiday season, I am re-looking at gratitude for two reasons:
right now, in this moment, I know what gratitude is.
be gentle with those who don’t feel gratitude – it might not be their fault.
I’ll address #2 first. Along with all the power of positivity mindsight, another term is gaining popularity – toxic positivity. Yep, I said it. Toxic positivity is basically dismissing hardships, negative emotions, or experiences by continually focusing on only on positive emotions or outcomes. It’s glossing over the bad and ignoring all the hurt – whether it's your own or someone else's. I bring up the topic now because it may be important for you or someone you love during the holidays, when positive and happy vibes are projected – as they should be. But from my experience, all this positivity may unintentionally cause pain.
I’m not saying don’t try make someone feel better who is suffering. What I am saying is, don’t put the expectation on someone that they feel gratitude when they’re in a dark place – no matter how well meaning you are. If you want to help someone who is suffering feel gratitude, try to put yourself in their shoes and try to feel their feelings, no matter how unsettling those feelings may seem to you. Let them express their own pain. Believe me, they will thank you for it, as I have. It may not be in that particular moment, but they will be grateful for it and express it – in their own time.
Back to #2 – my own story. As I begin to set roots in a new hometown, I am grateful, so grateful, to actually feel gratitude. As anyone who suffers from mental illness will tell you – your mental health journey is not a straight line. We’ve been told this from therapists and psychiatrist for years, so much so that it basically cues the proverbial eye roll. So when you are on the journey and see the glimpses of health, you cherish those glimpses. For me, right now, it's more than a glimpse. My world view has changed from dark to light. And with this change, right now, I feel gratitude.
For me, gratitude has been elusive over the last 30+ years. I've thanked others throughout my life and through my depression countless times – for their kindness, caring actions, non-judgmental listening, and support, just to name a few. All of my thanks are genuine. But only recently have I experienced the feeling of gratitude in my life. Gratitude was just one more emotion that I didn't even realize depression had stolen from me.
Gratitude is a positive emotion – and this is new for me.
Every good story has a backstory, and this is no different. This backstory is that I participated in a clinical trial over the summer that gave my life and my gratitude back to me. So when I say I’m grateful for gratitude, I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul, and more importantly, from my brain. I am learning new things every day that I’m grateful for.
For me, the rewiring, or re-awakening of my brain literally happened first, then the gratitude. Yes, there have been times when I felt thankful for the blessings in my life. You've probably read about those times if you've been following along my journey. But this is different. The claritiy I now have in my brain allows me to truly experience gratitude – as a positive emotion. And I'm grateful to all the contributors to this science and to those who helped give this gift to me. I'm also grateful to everyone who has been with me on my journey to find this clarity. I don't know how long it will last, because that's the realist in me. The person who has been in a dark place more times than I can count. But for now, I am grateful for my gratitude. And I am grateful for you.
In that spirit, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I'd like to share glimpses of my gratitude with you. And maybe my sharing will help you reflect on what is good in your own life, without dismissing the hardships we all face.
