[this is a posting from December 2019]
This time last year, I still had a dark cloud over me, and the holidays terrified me. I was worried about feeling alone, so my husband and I went to a place where I wouldn’t have the chance to be alone … home. Well, actually my husband’s hometown, but after 20+ years together, it feels like home to me too. Surrounding myself with family and making sure there was no chance for me to actually be alone was my way of coping. Thankfully, it worked. Even though there was still a dark cloud, the holidays were fun and I managed to sidetrack that overwhelming feeling of aloneness that can come with depression. But this year, I have a much different outlook.
For over a year, I have been on a healing journey, hoping to make it through to the other side of darkness. And it has been exasperating at times. As a logical thinker, I want my journey to be linear… as I start getting better and feeling better, I want to stay on that path. But healing isn’t linear. As a creative thinker, I understand this, but it doesn't mean I like it.
My healing started off with one 'ok' day followed by some more 'awful' days, which made me feel like I really wasn't getting better. Then I started having 'good' days (better than just 'ok'), and then 'bad' days (not as bad as awful days). As my good days started outnumbering and outweighing my bad days, I realized that I had felt good for days, then for a week. I didn't really notice while it was happening, but when I turned around and looked back, I could see how far I'd come. And today, I look back and realize how far through that journey I have progressed. For me, it started with simple things … making breakfast one morning; making coffee each day; laughing at something funny. These might sound small, but these are the things that many days, I had forgotten about.
One of the most meaningful things that happened during this process was that my brain started recognizing beauty again. I live in a home with a beautiful view looking down at Washougal and the Columbia River, and with an amazing view of Mt. Hood. For some time, I didn't really look at that view, or care about it. Then, one day, I noticed it again. The light was just right and I noticed how amazing it was that day. And while I’m thankful for that amazing view, I was, and am, more grateful to really see it and notice it. I think it is the best gift I could get this year.
my heart is happy ... that my brain recognizes beauty again
I am still close enough to the darkness that I remember it, and it still scares me. (And I still have bad days.) But I am trying not to let that fear cloud what I see and do daily.
I won't get into everything that went into my healing process, but I couldn't be where I am without friends, family, doctors, and therapists who didn’t give up on me, and were there when I needed it…whether they knew that's what they were doing or not. Thank you.
And as good as it feels to be in a better place, I know the holidays are a struggle for many. So, as you get into your own holiday and celebrations, please, don’t forget those those who might be feeling out of sorts and alone. Reach out to them and let them know they aren’t. A little human connection can do wonders.
my holiday wish for you…
my holiday wish for you is that your brain recognizes the beauty around you, and that your heart is happy.
and as always, thank you for your interest in my artwork, and my journey.
happy holidays... Angela